In light of this timeless advice I have chosen to ignore all the internal pain my knotted stomach is giving me after Sunday’s truly lamentable debacle. It would be far too easy to lambast the entire side for what was an extremely insipid performance.

Instead I wish to focus on the positives.
That’s right! The positives.
Believe it or not there were many positives to come out of Sunday’s horror movie.

Here are just a few:

* It wasn’t played at Waverley. It would have been even colder then and taken longer to get home.
* It didn’t snow. Although this may not actually be a positive because twenty-two snowmen might actually have done better.
* Only three Collingwood players wore long sleeved jumpers.
* It wasn’t our home game.
* It was played on Sunday. Which meant at least one day of the weekend was enjoyable.
* Didak and Rocca were our only goal-kickers. Therefore the rest of the forward line should be really fresh for the Saints game.
* Richmond doesn’t have that Roar-Meter thing anymore.
* We’re still third on the ladder.
* I don’t have to worry about forgetting to set the VCR and not recording the replay now.
* I could spend my entire Monday focussing on my work and not talking football.
* We couldn’t possibly play that bad again. Not even in a Grand Final!
* We only play Richmond once.
* Nathan Buckley got one more game closer to his 300th.
* We kicked five times as many goals in the second half than we did in the first half.
* Dane Swan’s hamstring is okay.
* Rhyce Shaw’s knee is okay.
* My headache is now okay.
* If you left your seat to get food, drink or go to the toilet during the first quarter you didn’t miss us kick a goal. In fact the chances are you never had to ask anybody “Who kicked that?” for the whole game!
* The rain was good for the garden.
* Because so many people left early there was plenty of leg room inside the ground.
* Because so many people left early there was plenty of space to do fish-tails in the car park.
* Because so many people left early there wasn’t as much over-crowding on the train platforms.
* The gamblers will get better odds for the St. Kilda game.
* Carlton and Essendon also lost.
*If it is humanly possible you can hate Richmond more now.

That’s twenty-five!
At least twenty-five positives came outta that shocker.
Who’d a thunk it huh?
Who’d a thought it was possible?

I’m still spewin’ though!!!!!

And while I’m at it what about that loyal never walk out on your club before the season’s over hard man Terry Wallace?
He is surely taking the piddle isn’t he?
Criticising Pie fans?
Here’s a tip Tezza. Wait until the Tigers start losing again and YOUR supporters start spitting on YOU like they did to poor old Spud Frawley before you start pointing fingers. Don’t forget Spud got them to the finals in his first year.
I’m not entirely sure but I don’t think saliva comes with a UV rating!!

18 KICKS, 6 HANDBALLS, 13 MARKS

Fonzie could never admit to it.
Hillbillies thrust into world leadership roles with a propensity (or should that be a hankerin’?) for blowing up other countries just can’t bring themselves to say it.

It also said I WAS WRONG AGAIN!!!

Anyway, with the absence of any real footy (eg: games involving Collingwood) Spud Central is bunkered down and is in World Cup mode. Chomp goes another faux tim tam as our globe-trotting President bounces onto my Rank Arena talking up, as only Ed can, a little thing called the World Cup. And the very first World Cup Footy Show is up and running like a Bomber supporter midway through the final quarter.

All good so far.
The crowd are going off.
Even Warnie’s lobbed up. I like Warnie. He’s sort of our Bill Clinton. Don’t know who’d have the better average though.

Ed looks keen.
“Ladies and Jennelmen, SIMPLE MINDS!!!!!!!” our fearless leader bellows.
“Classic!” Me thinks.
I love Simple Minds. No, not Geelong supporters, the band.
I know most of their songs.
It turns out I know more of them than their frontman Jimmy Kerr!
I haven’t seen anybody mime that badly since our 2003 Grand Final performance!

But watching them butcher a classic got me to thinking – isn’t it about time somebody made a remake and butchered that tribute to all things Collingwood – 1980’s The Club?

It doesn’t even have to stay true to the original just so long as we finally get to see Bucks holding the Premiership Cup at the end of it!
The cast pick themselves really:

Bucks would play Bucks ‘cos there’s only ONE Bucks.

Mel Gibson would play Eddie ‘cos I want to keep my job.

Gold Logie winner John Wood could play Balmie. Tina Turner would be ideal for young Dale Thomas.

Kevin Spacey would nail Mick Malthouse – brooding and mysterious. Let’s face it some of Mick’s press conferences do have a touch of the ‘Usual Suspects’ about them.

Bruce Willis is a monty for Wayne Carey as is Arnie for A. Rocca.

The Baldwins could play the Cloke boys (and if they aren’t available just use the Daddos!), Vinny Diesel could pass for Rhycey Shaw from a distance as could Brad Pitt for Taz (yeah, I know they don’t look remotely similar but the chicks won’t mind), Tommy Cruise slots right into the #4 jumper and Tommy Hanks slips comfortably in at half back as Johnno – “Run Johnno, run!”

Although Leo DiCaprio would be perfect for the role of Clinton Bown, CTV head honcho and face of Collingwood’s half time big screen entertainment, the budget may be running a little tight by now so Big Brothers’ Mike Goldman gets the gig.

All we need to do is get Eddie to make Collingwood FC stump up the cash and start filming. It may not be a classic but it will still get more bums on seats than a Hawks v Freo game!!

It could be a winner.
Nahhhhhhhh, stooooopid idea really – a bit like the AFL’s bye round.
See what no footy does to people!

Their opponent, in the red corner wearing white shorts is the current AFL Cruiserweight champion with a record of five and three – THE WESTERN BULLDOGS!!!!!!! 

It’s not often these days that Friday Night’s Fight Night lives up to all expectations but this one certainly did. Two hungry fighters dukin’ it out in front of a 67,000+ strong crowd, the big hitting Magpies with a fierce left hook that had knocked the Cats to the canvas a week earlier and the fleet of foot Bullies who had danced their way to a convincing victory over Port in Port Adelaide’s own House of Stoush.

 On paper it looked like the Bulldogs were fighting out of their weight division.In the stands their supporters were out numbered ten to one.But on the field they went toe to toe with their bigger stronger opponent until the sheer power of the 2006 Collingwood Machine stopped their dancing feet in their tracks.When they rang the bell the reality was the Bulldogs had been fighting out of their weight division.
Brave. Yes.Victors. No. 

Big men don’t get any smaller after one hundred minutes of football.But hard running does get harder.Which is why, after a gallant arm wrestle that had more to do with legs than arms, it was the Bulldogs who buckled and threw in the towel in the final term. Unable to run and with no real dominant forward they resorted to crab chipping the ball left to right and left again deep in their own defensive 50 just trying to avoid the Magpie hay-maker that would certainly floor them.They were not our first opponent this season to submit in such a manner.They will definitely not be the last.

 However this game was won as much out of the ring as in it.Malthouse’s “Horses For Courses” policy proving first brave with the Presti for Racer Shaw switch. And then proving even braver when Wakes’ groin strain kept him out of the starting line-up and saw Benny Davies’ late inclusion. This left a backline governed by Clement and Maxwell against the second most prolific scoring side in the competition with a midfield that ran both all night and deep with class. And it ran hard from the opening bell!

With players from both sides losing their footing early it was the unheralded and unchecked Eagleton who carved up the Pies like a Sunday roast in the first term. The simple and obvious move was Holland onto Eagleton. The move was made and Holland delivered. Eagleton getting less than half his first quarter possessions for the next three terms. Life got considerably harder for Rodney Eade from that point on. Fraser got benched for paying Street scant regard and no respect in the second quarter when the Bulldog ruck drifted forward to mark and goal easily with the game still up for grabs.This never happened a second time although Street would remain the game’s dominant ruck in tap outs alone. 

The handling of Scotty Burns, the Magpies unofficial Captain, has been both clever and a luxury this season. Malthouse continues to keep our perennial tyro fresh. Burns continues to keep Malthouse’s tactic one of Collingwood’s hidden treasures. He has become the icing on the cake and exactly the sort of player a team like the Bulldogs lack to sneak onto the ground midway through a quarter and catch the oppostion off guard. Average players can get lucky once and sneak a goal. Good players like Burns never fail to create goals each week. With the mainstream media currently besotted by the form of Swanny and Heater (and rightly so!) they continue to overlook the flow on effect it is having.  

Bucks, forward early, was shifted back into defence to shore things up and then briefly onto the ball to stop the Bulldog’s second wind and four unanswered goals.With Cheesy and Licca doing all the grunt work it allowed Malthouse the coup de grace, a fresh legged Dane Swan to freewheel in the fourth quarter midfield and keep the game well out of reach of the Bulldogs. 

In the end it was a similar story to many of our victories this season. The Bulldogs’ midfield, as individuals, had statistically dominated for three quarters. Indeed, come the final break, Cheesy Obree (brilliant at centre clearances) was the only Magpie to feature in the top five possession getters yet the Woods still held a ten point buffer with a quarter to play. But trading blows with a bigger and stronger opponent takes its toll on most teams and as the Bulldogs began to hurt physically on the field and mentally with the scoreboard pressure a flurry of Magpie midfielders totally swamped their opponents almost two to one. Without doubt losing first Giansiracusa and then sadly Murphy with a season ending knee injury critically hurt the Bulldogs and Malthouse’s post-match claims that we were flat may have some merit.

But one thing that can’t be denied is that on our own dung heap, no matter what style of play the opposition adopt, they will have to play out of their skins for the full one hundred minutes in order to beat the 2006 Magpies.Pound for pound we appear to have the firepower up front and the grunt down back to deal with anything.It was very clinical on Friday night.
Ruthless sides are like that.

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE THE MORE THEY STAY THE SAME

It was back in January ’78 at a San Francisco dive called the Winterland that Johnny Rotten – hardcore Magpie supporter, Auskick volunteer and lead singer of The Sex Pistols – no longer able to hear himself on stage, glared out at the crowd and sneered, “Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?”I don’t know about you dear reader but I often feel a little bit Johnny Rotten about football.

Now don’t get me wrong.
I love it.
Always have and always will no matter how many times they chip the ball backwards.
Just as long as the bloke doing the chipping is wearing the Black ‘n’ White I’ll front up to watch him.
CRIKEY! If Bucks had a bit part in a chick flick about embroidery starring Meryl Streep, Sally Field and Whoopi Goldberg I reckon I’d even willingly sit through that.
Twice!!
Now that IS loyalty.

But a fact is a fact.
The last 5 Grand Finals have all been won by AFL approved and created interstate teams.
And, apart from our beloved Collingwood, have all featured AFL approved and created interstate teams.
Four of those five Premierships have gone to teams with significant salary cap advantages and, I’ll be honest, I’m stuffed how Port won the other one.

Fast forward to the here and now and what do we find?

That’s right, three interstate teams hogging the top four AGAIN.
And who is the great Victorian hope AGAIN?
That’s right. Us!
One quick rebuild later (what’s two years between friends?) and we’re back in the fight.
But what does this all mean I hear you yawn.

Well, as the Professor told Mary-Anne late one night on Gilligan’s Island, it ain’t rocket science.
We all accept that the Brians and the Swans are like obese ballerinas and have had a big fat leg up courtesy of the AFL in its blatant, bloody minded and ultimately successful attempt to buy them a premiership and thereby legitimise their AFL tax payer funded existence.
And we are more than aware that both the Crows and Eagles are football juggernauts both on and off the field in the true sense of the word.So it really comes as no surprise to see these teams regularly hogging the top spots.

But in order for this power shift to occur there has to be a usurping of the old power base.

I give you Exhibit A – Carlton, Richmond and now Essendon.
Former heavyweights now so punch drunk they couldn’t land a decent swing at a kid’s playground.
The AFL though like to hammer home the fact that ‘the system’ (salary caps/draft/ equalisation fund etc.) is designed to be fair to all.
So in the absence of The Big 4 which Victorian teams picked up the slack?

I give you Exhibit B – Geelong and St.Kilda.
Yep! That IS it.

In the two years it took Collingwood to rebuild and reload all this once proud state could offer up was Geelong and St. Kilda!
The Cats, whose President, let’s not forget, publicly delighted in our 2003 Grand Final loss and then promptly lost the unloseable final!

And the Aints, whose star full forward actually plays for Sydney and whose number one ruckman runs around in the brown and yellow.

Both clubs competing with each other to manufacture more and more bizarre ways to capitulate and not make Grand Finals. Yet both clubs somehow becoming a media prototype for how to rebuild successfully and exist on the hollow promise that a few top draft picks bring.

And that is it.

Of the also rans, Melbourne’s seasons are more stop-start than a Sydney Road tram.
The Bulldogs are actually ecstatic at just being competitive with an entire team of midfielders but nobody to kick it to.
Hawthorn, now hide behind the notion of rebuilding because it is more palatable than actually calling it what it is – mediocrity! They’re rebuilding Iraq quicker!!
And we must not forget our friends down at Arden Street. Then again, we probably should.

None of this bunch has the Bugs Bunny or any hope of EVER having the Bugs Bunny to fight a long term battle against the interstate monstrosities. Three of them are living off the AFL drip and operate on reduced salary caps now!

On face value it really is only Collingwood representing Victoria.

And we hate Victorians also!

How bitter a pill must that be for the average non-Pie to swallow?

Do they ever feel like they’ve been cheated?

Yes.

Have the AFL sold the Victorian footy lover a pup?

Yes.

And do we love it?

YES!!!

So the Pies rock up to Subi and are welcomed to the Hotel Wirrupunda, it’s a lovely place, such a lovely place.
There’s plenty of room at the Hotel Wirrupunda, any time of year, you can find it here.
And lose!
Not win. Lose!
And lose despite hitting the front at several times.

So, in case you missed it I’ll run through it again, Collingwood play a top of the table clash with West Coast which they lose, not by 1 point, not by 2 points, but by over 2 goals!

Then the previously doubting, and generally Collingwood hating, media stop shaking their heads and start nodding them like worn shock absorbers on an old Monaro, declaring us ‘the real deal’!!

So when we were winning and belting sides we WEREN’T the real deal but now that we’ve lost a game that we were in a strong position to win we ARE the real deal?!
I just don’t geddit.

Anyway, that game is neatly summed up like so:
REST, WEST, BEST, TEST.

REST
Not even Paris Hilton on a big night out gets more column inches than the Alpha Male, Nathan Buckley, just for having an RDO.

Fair dinkum, talk about plunging the world into crisis just for pulling a sickie!
And to top it all off the poor bloke then had to do the media rounds expressing, like a working mother with a new born, over and over again just how disappointed he was.
As the former Collingwood Cheer Squad member Hamlet put it – To play, or not to play: that is the question?

Is there actually a good time to rest a champion is the answer (despite actually being another question).

Champions are champions because when your side is struggling no matter whom the opposition, they always rise to the occasion.
We all know that.

And in a perfect world they’d never be rested.

But I barrack for Collingwood and I KNOW the world ain’t perfect.
Frankly, it is best to suffer the slings and arrows of a salivating media throng if it means getting the skipper, and anyone else for that matter, to the business end of the season.

Like Jason Akermanis, it really is a no-brainer.

WEST
Coast – that is.
Is that the best they’ve got?

Because from where I was sitting (admittedly over 2000 kilometres east of the contest) it did appear West Coast pretty much fired all their shots – Judd starred, Lynch snagged 5, it was 2 on 1 in the ruck, they had all their top mids in.
It doesn’t get better than that for them does it?

It is hard to see where they can improve come round 16 and beyond.
We on the other hand…………….

BEST
Well maybe not but both Swanny and Heater Shaw were right in the mix.
Again.

Their continued good form and ability to meet all challenges thrown their way this season has been a huge bonus for The Club.

The intensity of last Saturday’s game was second to none the boys have played this season.

It was ferocious.
I think we’d all agree on that.
And to see these two unheralded tyros with less than 50 games between them both take the alleged League’s best head on was simply magnificent.

I KNOW we’d all agree on that!

And just quietly, if Heater isn’t a runaway leader of the nab Rising Star at the minute then the system is more crooked than Don King’s smile.

TEST
I’m with Mick on this one.
Brave losers?
Give me a break!
It’s a football game.
Some football games are close.
Some football games are not.
This game happened to be one of the close games and we lost it after being in a position to win it.

Given that Collingwood played off in a Grand Final just over 2 seasons ago.
Given that Collingwood aren’t short of a dollar.
And given that Collingwood have state of the art training, playing and spectating facilities they are clearly not a club that needs to be pitied and patted on the back for ‘brave losses’ to sides they would expect to play come September.
We have lost BOTH games against the current top 2 sides both home and away and with and without Buckley.
Lost.

I don’t know about you good reader but I think it is time for a ‘brave win’!

Everybody sing…..
Welcome to the Hotel Wirrupunda,
Such a lovely place,
But he lacks Leon’s pace,
Leon’s living it up at the Hotel Wirrupunda,
Such a nice surprise, for all us Magpies.

Back then there were no mobile phones so kids used to just yell at each other at the footy.

Back then there was no texting at half time.

Back then it was often blood not sauce spilt on the terraces.

And back then there was Joe Rocca.

Yep. You guessed it, Joe was related to the artist formerly known as Sav and the artist currently known as Ant. Cousins they were.Joe had arms like legs and legs like really really big arms with hands like George Foreman grills.He also had the admiration of the local boys for his five o’clock shadow and his KISS t-shirts. By the time he was fifteen the shadow and the t-shirts had become one.

Joe was a man’s man even as a boy.

And Joe hated Carlton.

Like a kid hates broccoli.
Like a politician hates the truth
And like a Bulldog supporter hates soap.
As Joe would say, “What’s better than beating Carlton by one point? Beating them with a baseball bat!”

Joe didn’t need to be told everytime the Woods took on the Pastafarians from Lygon Street way that “no matter where the two teams are on the ladder that either side could win.”
And he certainly didn’t need an AFL approved  “Rivalry Round” to remind him of the many Magpie deaths by a thousand Carlton lashes.
Because Joe lived through the era of modern football and like all us long suffering Piefolk knows only to well the bitter taste left in our collective mouths by THE ENEMY.

The last I heard Joe Rocca had traded in his KISS t-shirts for a cross knit cardy and some cushy desk job in town. In fact he’s probably gulping down some awful lukewarm International Roast out of a plastic cup right now.
But watching the shambolic Blues drop their heads quicker than Molly Meldrum drops names on Sunday I couldn’t help but wonder what Joe Rocca would make of all this.Lesser people would take sympathy on the Blues.
But we are Collingwood and their pain is NEVER enough.

NEVER ENOUGH!

We remember the rorts and the cheating.
We remember the humiliation of the Last Suburban Shoot Out. (They even lied about it being the last suburban shootout!!)
We remember Keogh snotting the then best on ground Rusty Ohlsen  in the ’79 Grand Final.
The ’79 Grand Final!
CRIKEY!! All the bleeding Grand Finals!!!!
We remember George Harris’ famous ‘one point’ quote.
We remember Barry bloody Mitchell!

We remember it all!!!!!!

So come Round 21 I don’t wanna hear “oh, the Blues may be down but it doesn’t matter where they are on the ladder either team could win”.

THAT’S JUST RHUBARB!!!!!!!!

We all know Carlton are as stuffed as a Christmas turkey.

We all know they’re as broke as the Baghdad Hilton.

We all know their supporters drop off quicker than a cab driver’s sweat.

We all know the Legends Stand is a tribute to their own bloated sense of self importance.

And we all know that if we can give them a good kicking while they’re down we can push them closer to their third spoon in just four years and start reclaiming the lost ground from them.

And we love grinding them into the dirt……..

……oh, I’m sorry.

I just had to get it out.

I’m sure Joe Rocca understands.